jacked up blog

I just picked my 5 year old daughter up from school and we’re driving home.

Me:  I need to go to Kroger.

Daughter:  I don’t want to go.  Kroger is boring.

Me:  I really need to go.

Daughter:  Please can we just go home.  Kroger is so boring.

Me:  Alright, we’ll just go home.

(2 minutes of silence)

Daughter:  Hey, do you want to go somewhere?

Me:  Where do you want to go?

Daughter:  How about Kroger?

Me:  I thought you didn’t want to go to Kroger.

Daughter:  Yeah, let’s go to Kroger.

Me: Really?  I thought you said Kroger was boring.

Daughter:  It is! (laughs uncontrollably)

Me (on the phone with my husband):  I think she’s making fun of me.

Daughter (in the background):  Hey let’s go to Kroger!  Do you want to go to Kroger? (laughs like a maniac)

1. Fight Club- Nothing says violence like Jazz Hands. I’d like David Cook to be in it, just so I can see the shit beat out of him.

2. Superbad- But Micheal Cera and Jonah Hill have to star.

3. Battlestar Galactica- OK, so technically this is a TV show, but who cares? Can’t you just see it? Boomer singing to her other Cylon clones? Except in my head she’s singing “I Don’t Know How To Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Oooh, they could have a song and choreographed fight scene!

4. Dawn of the Dead- It could be like Thriller, only scarier! Or less scary, depending on what your take is on Michael Jackson.

5. Iron Man- OK, I admit that I’m throwing this in here because I couldn’t think of another movie. But the more I think about it, the more I like it. I mean, Gwenyth Paltrow already sang in that movie with Huey Lewis and Terrence Howard was in Hustle and Flow. As for Downey, I think he has the chops to sing. I mean if Johnny Depp can do it, why can’t he?

I didn’t get carded yesterday when I bought alcohol.  That’s the second time that has happened.  I always take my driver’s license out, so prepared for the cashier to say:  Can I see your driver’s license?  I think I even asked her if she wanted to see it.  She looked at me and then said “No.”  Ouch!  I guess my cherubic baby face is all old and haggard now.

When I watch the JabbaWockeez, I turn into a squealing 15 year old.  My family can’t even be in the room anymore when I watch them, and if they are, my five year old says “Mommy, you’re watching this again?”  I just can’t help myself, I love the Jabbas.  I love it when they dance, I love it when they tap their hearts and point to the sky, I love it when they rehearse, I love it when Rynan cries and I give him a hug- uh, did I just blog that out loud?

I kind of wish I was a squealing 15 year old.  Then I could get on MTV’s Made and Rynan could be my Made coach.  Holy Shit!  How sweet would that be?!?  I could be made into an honorary Jabba and they would invite me to the finale of America’s Best Dance Crew and when they won Rynan would invite me on stage to show off my illest B-Girl skillz. 

Alas, I’m an uncoordinated 20-something.  The only way I would be able to meet the Jabbas is if I started stalking Rynan (I still love you Michael Cera!).  But I would be the lamest fan ever: 

Me: Um, I love you guys.

Jabbas: Thanks.

Me: Um, I love it when you did the Superman thing.

Jabbas: Thanks.

Me: Um, can you show me how to do that?

Jabbas: No.

Me: Um, can I touch your masks?

Jabbas: Security!

When I was a kid I would have nightmares about Scooby-Doo monsters and the creepy doll that my best friend Eileen had.  While I have grown out of the Scooby monsters and the doll (however, dolls still kind of creep me out), I find my new nightmares are more grown up.  The other night I had a dream that I went to pick my daughter up from school and that all the parents there didn’t like me.  I begged them to tell me why, so I could change whatever I did to make them hate me.  But no one said a word, and I left feeling alienated and sad.  I couldn’t believe that I woke up in a sweat from that stupid dream and I couldn’t shake the feeling for the rest of the day.  So, I guess my new nightmare is that I really do care what people think about me. 

1.  Preacher Comics- For when I want to feel like a badass.

2.  Walking Dead Comics- For when I want to be paranoid.

3.  Anything by David Sedaris- For when I want to laugh until I pee.

4.  Harry Potter series- For when I want to get swept away.

5.  One Hundred Years of Solitude- For when I feel Emo.

My husband is going to meet Robert Kirkman this weekend. Robert Kirkman was my first. I read the first trade of The Walking Dead and I’m a comic book fan for life. So, Anthony asked me what I would do if I ever met Garth Ennis, probably my favorite comic author. My reply is that I’d ask him to punch me in the face. Come on Garth! Please! Just punch me right here on my jaw! And then sign my copy of Preacher!

Damn, how awesome would that be?!?

I hate April Fool’s day. I pride myself on not being suckered easily. I think I can see through a lot of the bullshit, but on a day that prides itself for suckering everyone, I am on high alert. Some pranks are so transparent that I get irritated when I hear people believe them (like the bogus stories that Morning Radio Shows play) or Google’s Custom Time. But others, I just don’t know. I read a headline on MSN that The New Kids on the Block may be planning a reunion. I read MSN everyday, it’s like an old friend. Please MSN! Don’t toy with my emotions! I can only hope that the NKOTB reunion is real! I was too afraid to click on the headline to see the truth.

Maybe the real reason I feel so jaded about April Fool’s Day goes back to my formative middle school years. I was probably in 7th grade and I forgot it was April Fool’s Day. I heard that Dustin Diamond, yes Screech, had died of a drug overdose. I was so freaked out by it, I told all my friends and family. (If only Wikipedia was around to set me straight!) I didn’t know what I was more shocked about: that he was dead or the way that he died. Alas, I found out it was a cruel April Fool’s joke. Now Screech is just the fat asshole on Celebrity Fit Club.

I often think that December 26th is the saddest day of the year. It’s so much pressure to follow up after Christmas. (Incidentally, I feel that way about December 16th because it’s the day after my birthday.) So, I think that if December 26th is the saddest day, then April 2nd is probably pretty happy because it gets to follow up a shitty April 1st.

By the way- Joey Mac is still the finest New Kid around. And don’t you forget it!

So, I have 2 dogs. They eat, they poop, they stare at me, and they sleep. That’s about it. I can’t imagine most dogs in America do more than that. So, why in the hell are there so many dog blogs?! Not only do they blog, but people subscribe to their blog and leave comments on their blog. What I want to know is how are all these people reading dog blogs and not mine! I mean, I do like, at least twice the stuff that my dogs do. I’m more interesting than my dogs… aren’t I?

Random note: My blog doesn’t recognize the word “blog.” My dog couldn’t have made that observation.

Our dogs, Cookie (bottom) and Beans (top), in one of their favorite past times. For all those who didn’t believe when I told them they did this.